Shoes.....

There are many difficult days in the life of a "Special Mom". Some are hard due to medical issues, some due to the roller coaster ride of emotions we endure, and still others are due to the sheer bureaucracy of it all. Yes, this "job" often stinks for a myriad of reasons but today is one of the days I find the hardest. Today was what the State of Arizona refers to as Max's "Yearly", i.e. the assessment they do to be sure that Max is receiving all the services he may need or be entitled to. Now I want to make it perfectly clear that what I hate most about this process has nothing to do with what services he receives as a result of the meeting. I’ve come to expect that each year we will likely receive less support due to the State’s budgetary restrictions. It also has nothing to do with my relationship with Max's state caseworker because God knows I wouldn't have made it this far without her in my corner. My hatred for this process is more emotional than anything else.

How can I answer the pages and pages of questions during the two hour long interview without being hit square in the face with the reality of what my “job” involves? When faced with questions like: where would you like to see your child in five years? In 10 years? How can I answer these questions when I often don’t know where we’ll be in five minutes? How can I think that far into my son’s future without becoming emotional? How independent can he be? Will he be? What will happen when Michele and I aren’t here to care for him……oh lord, I really don’t need to think about all of this! Every year there’s one certain outcome from this meeting, tears! In 11 years I have never made it all the way through without being passed the Kleenex box!

So tonight when I opened my Facebook page I was quickly reminded that every once in a while I come across something that speaks to where I am at the moment. The following was posted by a childhood friend of mine who also “walks the walk” with her son. She too “borrowed” it from someone else and I immediately fell in love with it. Thanks Angela!
 

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They aren't pretty shoes… uncomfortable shoes. Each day I wear them. Each day I wish they'd feel more comfortable. Some days my shoes hurt so badly that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them and continue my journey....I get funny looks wearing these shoes. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad these are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes.... To learn how painful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes one must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No Mom deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I am a Mom who has a child(ren) with special needs. I will forever walk in these shoes.

 ~ Unknown