I think I may have missed my calling…..

I should have gone into medicine. This revelation came to me this weekend as I tended, cared for, and nursed both human and beast - real and stuffed.

My first consult was requested Saturday morning when I was “paged” at Max’s soccer game. Evidentially the hamster (perhaps you all remember Peppermint?) was once again ill, having sprouted some new growth. Ellie hysterically asked me to look at it and tell her what it was, again this conversation was carried out via cell phone so I suggested that her texting me a photo was unnecessary – I’d be happy to check the patient’s MRI as soon as I could get home.

My first surgical procedure was prompted by broken glass. Now we’re not really sure how broken glass ended up on the playroom floor because as best as I can tell no one was involved or even present for this incident. In fact, I asked everyone including the dog and they all just stared back at me as if I was asking which one of them had launched a nuclear attack. It was decided that the glass marched itself across the house from the kitchen to the playroom and then threw itself to its death against the floor, breaking into millions of little glass splinters. Now my children who finally admitted to witnessing the suicide of the glass decided that they wanted to save me from the clean-up (of the object no one knew anything about) so it was decided that the cleaning would be performed by short people who didn’t even know we own a vacuum….oh right, the vacuum was NOT used but rather the broken dust-buster was employed which left more glass splinters behind then were actually picked up. Fast forward eight hours, while checking out at then supermarket I get an emergency phone call that the flow of blood had commenced. I run home to find Ellie clutching her very red foot (no worries it’s permanent marker, she was bored waiting for me to get home to tend her wounds so she decided to write on her foot), I grab my glasses and tweezers and enter OR one for my first procedure of the day. Glass successfully removed. Patient lives. Fast forward still another two hours and patient number two is carried into my OR, Max now has glass in his foot. Once again I take out my surgical supplies and remove all foreign bodies and send them off to pathology so that Michele can confirm the object removed from my patient’s foot was indeed glass. Patient two lives but demands a band-aid.

On Sunday my medical services were requested for Panda (of Kung-fu Panda fame) who had been carried off by a wild beast (domesticated dog), attacked and left out in the cold wilderness of the backyard overnight. Search and rescue transported Panda into the clinic. The patient was somewhat muddied but otherwise healthy. Warm bath administered, patient revived and sent off to the playroom. Dare I expect this patient back with glass in his foot?

I really should have gone into medicine. I definitely missed my calling and my bank account has definitely missed its deposits.