Sleep....

Over the last few weeks I have not been sleeping well. Considering the life we lead I have always fallen into bed at night and been sound asleep before I hit the pillow. My ability to sleep soundly has always been one of the things Michele hates most about me (this list is quite lengthy and I prefer not to harp on it). It means that he was always the one to wake up when the kids needed something or Max got sick in the middle of the night. I was blissfully sleeping and oblivious to the world around me. Not so much anymore...most nights find me roaming the house, my thoughts my only companion. I have made a habit of starting a mental "to-do list" as I climb into bed at night and that's the end of that. No sleep for me.

I think that what bothers me the most about this situation is not the lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation is my friend. First there was graduate school where I learned to live on 2-3 hours a night, buckets of coffee and Diet Pepsi, and a not so healthy amount of nicotine. Then when Ellie was born and put on an apnea monitor that sounded a horrifying alarm every 5 -10 minutes I fell right back into my old habits, this time the caffeine remained, nicotine was gone. Of course none of this properly prepared me for Max and those first two to three years spent mostly in a hospital room (where I actually missed the apnea monitor -- at least that was just one machine with one alarm). No, what bothers me the most is that I feel like I'm back-pedaling. I had gotten past the point where all the daytime stress of balancing life's "normal" activities and our "not-so-normal" activities of starting IVs, setting up feeding pumps and dosing meds followed me to bed. I had learned how to turn off my brain and just go to sleep. So why am I not sleeping now? Max no longer has any of that equipment, he's generally very healthy (praying I didn't just jinx myself) and doing better than anyone could have hoped for. So why am I not sleeping now? I've had a lot of time to think about this at night mostly because I've already seen all the infomercials at least once and I certainly can't afford to buy anything QVC has to offer. The best conclusion I have been able to come to is that I'm not sleeping because although my mental “to-do list” may be shorter it’s still as intense as ever. I’ve learned how to efficiently check things off my list – no one handles disputes with insurance companies, doctors’ offices or schools with as much ease and success as I do. I have been able to live up to my mantra, “You can do what I’m asking you to do now or we can fight about it for six months and then you can do what I’m asking you to do. You pick, which is easier for you?” Yes, I’ve gotten good at all of this but I think what’s eating at me the most and keeping me awake at night is that I’m still dealing with all of this. Seven plus years later and everyday is just more of the same. Somebody get me off this merry-go-round and put me to bed!

Wishing you all a good night’s sleep…..